andrew.leahey.org

e-dating world

I'm sick, I know I am. I like to signup at these dating network sites to see all the freaky people. If I can comment, I will, and I *always* have a sarcastic, witty little profile. Usually something to do with needing my mommy, not wanting any of those "feminist bitches" contacting me. I usually include a little thing about how women are meant for child bearing and cooking, and thats it, so they shouldn't have a job or any significant amount of self esteem. Of course I don't believe any of these things, I just like to see the responses I get. I'll post them later, in the mean time, I would like you to meet the future Mrs. Ajayl. Thats right, I'm tying the knot with this incredibly hot babe. I didn't know James Earl Jones had a sister. Shit.

Anyway, as I browse these profiles I begin to realize that the frightening truth is, there are alot of ugly people WITH pictures in their profiles. Imagine all the ones that don't have them. Imagine the scenario, you find your dream date. You talk to them on the phone, via email for weeks. You finally get a chance to meet them, you're so excited, you get to the restaurant and you realize you're dating this thing. You think to yourself, this can't be. It simply can't be, she had such a nice voice. This must just be some puke somebody dressed up in a hat and scarf and sent off into the world, it can't be my date. It is.

This is why you must stay away from these personal sites. Join them, but just mock the members, never ever get involved with these people. A few choice profiles to peruse are listed below--

P.S. To view these you will have to login with user: ajayldotcom password: ugly.


Who stole 1970-black-man's hair due???!? Who did??? You did.

This one seems innocent enough. Recently divorced, great kids, aww..thats nice. But wait, check the picture. Assuming that burly fellow is this woman's ex, are you really sure you want to be seen in public with her? He has twist-your-neck-and-pop-off-your-head written all over him. Pass.

Aww, lovely lady in search of gentle man. I'm not sure what a "gentle man" is, but I'm sure I'm not it. Not to mention she looks like my fifth grade teacher on crack. Pass.

This person is encouraging guys to "get at her". I don't know what that means, but I'm sure whatever you THINK it means, it doesn't, and you'll wind up spending a few nights in jail for acting on it.

This little number was apparently pulled from a freezing lake before the picture was taken. Nice lipstick, holla at your gurl? I wonder how many people started screaming at their girlfriend because they read this profile. Not many.

And so, as aforementioned, don't use these personal sites. You might wind up in bed with James Earl Jones' bald sister.

Posted by aleahey at 04:10 PM in Reviews | 8 comments

Folgers Mocha Caffe Latte

What can I say about this delicious drink? It's cold, it's caffeinated, it's got chocolate in it, it's.....cold, over-sugared coffee?

Well I must say, I was dissappointed immediatelly when I read the side of the bottle. "Folgers Jakada is bottled ivigoration." Fuck. I swore I bought cafe latte, but apparently some mischeivious, devious, caniving little shit switched it with this "bottled invigoration" they speak of. Damn.

Moving along, I notice the label depicts happy, brown-faced people dancing about holding up some sort of radiation ball. Or maybe that's the sun. Why are they holding up the sun? It must be a post-apocalyptic prophecy. Coffee will be our undoing!! Who should I tell of this secret code I've discovered? NORAD? NATO? NAPA? MTV? Who cares? It's been several seconds now, and I've lost interest. So let's move on.

The label also indicates that Folgers Jakada is a "Creamy blend of Coffee and Milk". How do you cream, milk? How do you cream coffee for that matter? So I paid $1.50 for like, 6 ounces of coffee, 4 ounces of milk, and a few teaspoons of sugar. But it comes in a neat little bottle, and it says "Shake well." so, it must be good. I also like how they say "Serve chilled", as if this product is just so god damn sophisticated, it isn't just gulped down out of its teeny-tiny little apocalypse bottle at 4 in the morning, by some guy covered in cheetos and falling off the front of his couch. No. It's served chilled to people on porches, with tiki torches and dancing, women in dresses and champagne. Then they break out the fuckin latte's, excuse me, bottled invigoration..and everybody cheers. It's just so fuckin hip, and suave to drink these. You could be hip and suave too, if you had a few of these in your fridge. Fuck you FOLGERS.

::Gulp gulp:: Bah. It's okay, I make better.

Posted by aleahey at 10:29 PM in Reviews | comment